“Some Parting Words Before Shoving Off”

(A Loose Verse Translation of Homer’s Iliad, 1.159-181)

Achilles, ballsiest of the ballsy Greeks, rose to
Face sour-pussed Agamemnon, and spoke forth these fair words:

“O shameless Agamemnon, son of cursed Atreus,
You immortal snake and magnanimous douche-bag,
You coarse-throated horse’s ass, you lover of cheap wine
And cheaper whores, you eater of dung-hills and cat-guts,
You slayer of daughters and other innocent girls,
Heed what I have to say; I’ll try to speak slowly so
That your pine-nut-sized brain can comprehend my message:

You are a god-awful commander of men; I mean,
For all of your faults as a man, your commanding is
Triply faulty. The gods really reached a new low when
They allowed your idiocy to lord over an
Entire force of Greek men thrice as worthy as you are,
O sniffer of flabby cracks and wearer of garters.
Why should we Greeks continue to fight and die out there
When it was your dress-wearing cuckold of a brother
Whose wife ran away with a girly Trojan prince scant
Of armpit hair? Had you but a smattering of wise
Athena’s rallying abilities, you might be
Able to persuade one or two of these heroes to
Follow you to the unscalable Trojan walls and
Onto the road to Hades that lies beyond those heights;
But you are a leader like old Hephaestus is a
Beauty queen, so I’m taking my Myrmidons back to
Phthia, where we can be free of your anus breath
And hen-headed generaling, where we can grow old
And fat and occasionally screw your wife when like
An aged prostitute she comes calling at our great gates.
Have fun taking it from Hector and his boys out there
On the battlefield. I hope he runs a spear through your
Coarse throat so that I can live peacefully knowing that
The living are free of your verbal diarrhea.
May death come upon you slowly and tortuously,
O douche-bags among douche-bags. Go to hell, and quickly.”

[2010]

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3 responses to ““Some Parting Words Before Shoving Off”

  1. No offense to Homer, but it sounds like it could be a Limp Bizkit song. I didn’t know some of these words existed when Homer was around.

  2. Aaron–the words you’re referring to (or their ancient Greek equivalents, to be more precise) actually weren’t around in Homer’s time…hence the “Loose Translation” disclaimer! But Achilles’s tone definitely IS in the original Greek–he’s furious with Agamemnon for being a putz, and he doesn’t hold back in his insults. That’s why Achilles is a great character–not just because he can slay multitudes of enemies, but because he can also viciously insult them! 🙂

  3. Ah,I see. Now I get it, its just translated to be understood by whichever fine lituriturist like us chooses to read it. The tone did sound like it belonged to Achilles, but when I saw it for the first time it sounded like it was edited by Fred Durst! 😛

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